90 DAY ACTION PLANS: Eight Keys to Mastering Crucial Conversations
One of the toughest challenges as a leader is broaching crucial conversations.
Our bodies are hardwired to flee from danger and one of our biggest threats in the workplace is the threat of conflict and confrontation. It may sound more benign than running from a saber-toothed tiger, but actually, all of the same fight, flight, or freeze responses are activated in our bodies when we need to have a tough conversation, as when we’d need to literally run for our lives!
These conversations are so hard to approach because we know they are costly. The three key elements of what makes a conversation “Crucial” are that there are high stakes, strong emotions, and opposing opinions.
You’ve certainly had to navigate plenty of these conversations in your work as a leader and at home. Anytime you have to give feedback on an employee’s work, have to give a not-so-positive employee review, had to break up with a significant other, ask a family member to repay a loan, or address mistreatment or disrespect with a colleague, you surely had to face a crucial conversation where the relationship was on the line, feelings were sure to be hurt, and people had strong ideas about what was really right and wrong in the situation.
As we prepare for the move to the HCMD there will certainly be even more situations that will require us to have crucial conversations.
As leaders we are passionate about our work, so we’re usually all bringing strong emotions to the table. Even if we’re advocating for a great new change and improvement, that strong emotion could cause tension with another leader who is equally passionate about the opposite course of action we should take. In the midst of transition, we may also need to be communicating significant financial changes or new policies that are certainly high stakes, but necessary to move us to the next stage of evolution and growth as an organization.
Even though it’s incredibly difficult, we must gather the courage it takes to approach these conversations in order to keep our organizations healthy and cultivate an even stronger, more united team.
One of the key signs of health in an organization is the amount of time it takes from an issue to arise to when we address it with a crucial conversation.
We may have been conditioned that it was more friendly or “nice” to ignore a bad behavior instead of confronting it and to do whatever we can to hold our tongue and keep the peace. But, that failure to communicate can actually breed even more discomfort, distrust, and hard feelings. It can, in fact, be more unkind and more damaging to the relationship to leave the situation unaddressed, because resentments and hurts continue to grow beneath the surface. And, if we’re not talking about our frustrations, we usually are still (even unconsciously) acting on those frustrations.
What may have started off as a confusing comment from a colleague in a meeting can become a larger rift and conflict down the line if we avoid addressing the issue while it is still small. We can start to build resentments from the story we tell ourselves about what the other person intended, fabricating a list of their ill will and bad intentions because we never reached out to get clarification about what happened on their side.
But, stepping out with courage and starting the conversation offers us the chance to mend any hurts, clear up any confusion, and heal any resentments before they get out of control.
This work is especially important in our leadership because we have a much smaller “database” of interactions with our work colleagues as we do with our family and friends. It can feel more difficult to approach a tough conversation at work because we don’t have as much of a history with someone we work with — we may have only seen that teammate a few times at the Christmas party or only get to check in with that employee twice a year during our employee rounding. We don’t have as much of a positive bank of connection as we might with someone at home, so even a small interaction can lead us to misunderstandings and frustrations faster than it could with a loved one.
But, if we’re willing to take the risk of engaging with our colleagues – even when it’s challenging – we can gain so much! We can build deeper connections, improve our relationships, increase trust, make better decisions, and even increase productivity and accountability.
It takes practice to improve our skills at having these crucial conversations, but with a little effort and intentionality, we can build our tool belt to get better at these interactions and be even more impactful as leaders.
Here are some key steps to mastering a crucial conversation from the book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High” –
1. Prepare: Before having a crucial conversation, take some time to prepare yourself. Clarify the issue, identify your goals, and gather any necessary information.
2. Stay Calm: During the conversation, it is important to stay calm and in control. Take deep breaths, listen actively, and try to remain objective.
3. Use “I” Statements: When expressing your concerns or viewpoints, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This can help to avoid putting the other person on the defensive and promote a more productive conversation.
4. Listen Actively: To truly understand the other person’s perspective, it is important to listen actively. Pay attention to their body language, ask clarifying questions, and try to see things from their point of view.
5. Build Common Ground: Look for areas of agreement and build common ground. This can help to create a sense of collaboration and foster a more productive conversation.
6. Focus on Solutions: Rather than dwelling on the problem, focus on finding a solution. Brainstorm possible solutions and work together to find a mutually agreeable outcome.
7. Follow Up: After the conversation, follow up with the other person to ensure that the issue has been resolved and that both parties are satisfied with the outcome.
8. Practice: Like any other skill, navigating crucial conversations takes practice. Look for opportunities to practice your skills and seek feedback from others to improve your technique.
Use some of your planning time this month to work through a crucial conversation you’ve been putting off. How can you create an opportunity to reach out to the other party and begin to build a bridge of connection?
It will feel scary and intimidating at first, but if you lead with heart and with the desire for the best possible outcome, you’ll open the pathway to a better relationship and prevent any hurts or resentments (or bad behaviors) from growing out of control.
MONTHLY REVIEW: What crucial conversations do you still need to work through?
We’re already two months into 2023! How are you doing at achieving your goals?
As we ramp up to the move to the HCMD, what major projects and initiatives are on your plate and how are you doing with your role in moving them forward?
Our monthly review time is our opportunity to slow down, zoom out of the daily chaos, and look at our progress on everything we planned for the year, but it’s also a chance to reflect more deeply and reorient ourselves to our bigger purpose and role as leaders.
At Triannual I, we heard Brené Brown’s definition of a leader:
A leader is anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes and who has the courage to develop that potential.
Work through your goals and projects for the year, but also use this monthly time to review the quality of your relationships as a leader:
-How well are you doing building connection and camaraderie with your team?
-Are you helping your employees develop their skills and grow in their areas of weakness?
-Have you created a safe space for employees to share their concerns, innovative ideas, and be heard?
-Are you holding crucial conversations where needed and working to improve trust and accountability?
-Are you investing the time needed to build up that bank of interactions with your direct reports through intentional coaching and rounding?
Make a plan this month to connect more intentionally with your team, deepen your relationships, and address any issues or resentments that may be lingering.
Your employees are your greatest resource and asset as a leader and what you can accomplish together will be so great if you can build a cohesive and united team founded on trust, openness, and honesty.
SHARE YOUR WINS! 🎉 🎉
When have you felt the benefit of working through a crucial conversation? How did you approach the tough topic with your family or colleague and how did the relationship grow as a result?
Let us know what tools and conversation starters were most helpful and where you still need more insights and tools to improve your leadership. We’re here to help with anything you’re facing and always ready to cheer you on!