THIS TUESDAY: Having Difficult Conversations and Giving Delicate Feedback
One of our highest requested topics – and lowest scores on our leadership competency self-surveys – is having difficult or critical conversations with our employees.
We often know when something isn’t right in the workplace, but it can feel so difficult to broach the topic with our direct reports, peers, and leaders. No matter how long we’ve been a leader, these conversations are never easy. We worry about hurting feelings and fear how people will respond.
Knowing how tough these interactions can be for us, I am so excited for next week’s Leadership Roundtable with Kathleen Lapekas, Founder of LHR Consulting.
Kathleen will join us THIS TUESDAY, August 23rd at 12pm CDT to help us work through Having Difficult Conversations and Giving Delicate Feedback.
I got to chat with Kathleen last week and I know you will find a lot of value with her approach and perspective on critical conversations.
Click here to RSVP to the Leadership Roundtable with Kathleen THIS TUESDAY, August 23rd at 12pm CDT. You can watch live in the Skyline Room or via Zoom.
Specific Feedback for Specific Results – An Illustrative Story from Kathleen Lapekas
One of the key components Kathleen will share around Giving Delicate Feedback is the need to Be Specific. Kathleen will share how the details make a big difference in delivering effective feedback to our teams. Here’s a great illustration about how we need to be specific to communicate clearly and affect behavioral change –
I’ve noticed when feedback such as, “Stop doing this….” or “Please refrain from….” that we ASSUME our message is clear and will correct the problem at hand. However, that assumption may lead to confusion and mutual frustration. Instead, we need to specifically explain in terms of what we want them to do (rather than in terms of what we want them not to do).
A few years ago, we took our autistic son, age 15, to do an initial consultation with an orthodontist. As the orthodontist attempted to examine my son’s mouth, I noticed the doctor grew increasingly frustrated as my son clamped his mouth shut, and only revealed his teeth through his lips.
The doctor, trying to work with my son, repeatedly directed him, “Don’t close your mouth. Don’t close your mouth. Don’t close your mouth.” Despite this directive, my son continued to keep his lips open to reveal his teeth, but did not open his whole mouth. Seeing this quickly rise to a level of frustration, I pulled the doctor aside and offered him feedback to help him be more effective with my “literal-thinker” of a son.
I advised him to say, “Open up your entire mouth, and then keep your mouth open so I can look inside.” The doctor initially replied, “That’s what I’ve been asking him to do!”
I clarified, “No, you were directing him to not close his mouth – and assumed that he would intuitively know what you wanted him to do. When you tell him to not do something, you assume he understands what you want him to do instead – but this is not the case with my son.
If you simply tell him exactly what you want him to do, I can promise you that he will happily comply. He wants to be successful. He wants you to be proud of him. He wants to help. He’s just not clear what your directions mean.”
The “lightbulb” seemingly appeared over the doctor’s head, and when we went back into the room, I noticed the doctor smiled and said to my son, “I need you to open your entire mouth so I can look in there, and just keep it open while I look in there.” My son smiled and opened up wide; which made the experience mutually successful.
Give people the benefit of the doubt; that if they know clearly what you want them to do that they will be more receptive of the feedback that leads them to being successful.
-Kathleen Lapekas, LHR Consulting
